I wasn’t planning on sharing this, here, in this public forum, but this new fun initiative I am about to embark on, comes from somewhere deep within my heart. And you know what? I don’t want to keep it all to myself; because I think you will want to be a part of this too, something that easily has the capability of spreading positivity and love.
Lately, I have been questioning my life.
I mean, really questioning my life.
So much so that I have been wondering about the bigger questions. I wanted to share all of that here, cause, I mean, if you have stumbled here, then we are all friends here, right?
I KNEW I didn’t need to be nervous to share my heart.
You see, the first time I felt the way I feel today, was almost five years ago. I had just given birth (via c section) to our second child, a daughter. She was perfect, her birth was prefect, her latch was perfect and we happily went home, proud as can be.
It didn’t take long for my new-mama growing headache to eventually alarm me though.
It was excruciating and I eventually realized it wasn’t just after birth hormones.
Something wasn’t right.
What was suppose to be a quick trip to the ER, to check on my nagging head ache, landed me back in the hospital, post baby, for another week.
To make a long story short, I arrived at the hospital completely septic.
My entire body had contracted an infection after the surgery and birth of my precious baby number two, and it took a week of constant care, a few blood transfusions, MRI’s, cat scans and a collapsed lung for me to realize that I really, really, REALLY wanted to live.
That might sound silly. I mean, we all know
we want to live.
If we dissect it, the opposite of living is obviously death, and we all do our part to avoid dying a billion times a day.
We wear our seat belts, take our vitamins, pay attention to our cholesterol, maybe make a quick appearance at the gym, we are careful, we are calculated and we ultimately protect ourselves in every which way, all day long.
In this moment though, where I was helpless, laying in a bed, passed out for days, with absolutely no strength and no answers to why all of this was happening to me, I realized that I wanted to get up, put on my clothing, walk out of this place and live like I never had before.
I wanted to live more than I wanted anything and I wanted to live well.
I wanted to be present with my children, I wanted to be grateful for every day, and I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to love more, give more and be more.
As with any near death experience, my life evaluations led me to question my life’s path.
It was after that experience that I realized I would need to change my career if I wanted to be as present as possible with my growing family. (I will leave that for another post.)
If it wasn’t for that awful experience, I would not have decided to pursue my creative side. I wouldn’t have completed a long three year apprenticeship in a salon and I wouldn’t have begun working from home, I wouldn’t be able to walk my babies to and from school and I wouldn’t get to make dinner and feed them each night and hear about their days.
The good ,the bad , the day to day and the ugly.
Sometimes the thought of losing something, big or small can catapult us into amazing changes.
And that is exactly what happened to me — five years ago.
A lot has changed since then.
We have endured other challenges as a family, no doubt, and through it all I have tried to remember to embrace gratitude every day.
Recently though, I had another health scare. This time, the doctors visits didn’t include being pregnant or bringing home a baby, so they were obviously not happily anticipated. The situation isn’t all sorted out, but that is not too bothersome at this time, I am focusing on the positive.
Which, finally, brings me to this post.
Recently, during one of those moments where I was feeling bad for myself, during one of those moments where I just wanted to feel like my old self: healthy and happy, I began to wonder about my day to day life.
My thoughts went something like this:
Was I doing enough to show others how much I love them, was I too focused on house projects to nurture friendships, was I too bogged down by my busy working-mama-full-time-mama-life to really listen to the needs of the people around me? Was I even making a difference in this world? If I had another near death experience, or worse, would the ones I care about KNOW that I care about them? Do I love hard? Do I show that I appreciate others? Am I self focused and house focused and family focused, in such a deep way that I am missing meeting the simple needs of others??
How can I know for certain any
of the answers to these questions, that played and continue to play over and over in my head?
How can I begin to know if my love and care are being effective? If even known???
I think we can all can ask those questions or similar ones of our own lives.
Am I loving well? Am I giving enough? Am I going the extra step to show care to the ones I love? Am I offering help to my friends? Am I showing my appreciation to others? Am I stepping out of my comfort zone to brighten someones day? Am I living a joy driven life?
And most of all, am I using my natural gifts and abilities to spread light in dark places.
I want to say yes to all of this.
I want to be the sunshine in someones day.
I want to use my life, this fleeting life, to share love and to show love and to be love.
So, I came up with a way to do just that.
I cannot wait to share this project with you.
Together, I think that we have the ability of doing small things with great love, and ultimately, have the chance to touch lives in little ways that will make a big difference.
Isn’t that why we are all here?
Why we strive to make connections, why we want friendships, why we long to feel loved and appreciated?
We want all that, and we want to FEEL all of that in return.
I have the perfect project that will give the empty parts of our heart meaning, and an idea that will help answer the questions that keep us up at night.
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa