wreckage getting cleaned up. Numb from the inside out.
the baby beneath my skin moved and wiggled and I cried silent happy
tears into my pillow and took the movement as reassurance from heaven.
of my husbands breathing beside me and everything started to feel
familiar again. But there was just one thing, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head, that nothing would be the same again.
remember sleeping much that night. Every time I started to enter into slumber, i would startle awake by my memory of the cars colliding and the sound of crushing metal ringing in my ears.
asking me to play on the ground with her. I would lay down on the
ground and try to keep her from climbing on me. Together, we tried to
find ways to play while I laid down with my feet up. I don’t remember
being emotionally present those first few days. I was completely
consumed with the fear of losing our baby. I didn’t want to do anything,
had to force myself to eat and remember feeling trapped for hours upon
hours just laying on our couch.
sleepless nights passed, and day time hours dragged on. Life seemed like
it would never hurry up.
don’t ask for anything from anyone, and I try to problem solve on my
own. (Not the best combination in DIY, by the way.) I have never really relied on anyone, except for myself.
But in THIS situation, I was immediately left helpless both physically and
emotionally. I needed help to take my kids to school, to cook dinner,
to do daily activities. A week before, I was active and use to being a
multitasker and rushing through life.
prayer. I believe that during this time when I was helpless and bedridden,
not knowing if my body would carry this baby inside me to term, while I
began giving up control, began asking for help, something unknown to my
independent self, my words of optimism and pleading, flung to the heavens in desperation, somehow turned into a miracle.
prayers of thank fullness that my body held the little baby safe inside
me, if only for one more day.
Every morning seemed to be a new milestone for me. I began letting go of my controlling ways, realizing I could do nothing in this one situation and finding myself praying throughout the day, not just in the mornings.
this was the first time that I had sat down, really sat down, and thought about my
of life, and mine was no exception. I would run from picking up my children
from this place or that, to making dinner while bouncing a baby, to
completing school work, and bed time routine and then would collapse on
the couch. Though, our little family went to church on Sundays, I admittedly
didn’t make much time for prayer or reflection.
It jolted me into a freeze I had never known. And though, it seemed
horrible at the time, I am so thankful NOW for how character building
that time waiting was.
moments to read positive affirmations. They truly got me through the
agonizing days of wondering about the health of our unborn baby.
dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I
will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed
day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an
eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the
things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things
that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
All those questions that were constant and real, have now been answered.
Hind site is funny like that.
It was clear the day our baby was born.
All the whys were immediately answered in the few moments after he was born.
I knew, even before I got to hold our little baby, that there was a reason for the trials. The sleepless nights, prayer filled days, the soul searching, the digging deeper, the caring more, the increased
closeness between my husband and I and the extreme love we already had developed for this baby…it was all because we needed to be ready for what we were about to face.
His health was questionable….surgeries were needed…invasive surgeries…he may not walk…he may not talk…he may not….
It didnt matter.
He was perfect, no doubt about it.
Just the mere sight of him made my heart ache with growing pains. I was smitten by that first glance and the love I immediately felt for him was something I wasn’t expecting. I was in love and would do anything for this little baby we wanted SO badly.
He was perfect to us, he completed our family, the look in his eyes was bonding and perfect, but the truth is, by medical terms…. our trials were not over…
(I hope to share more of our journey with you and the story of love and strength as the words are written. I hope our darling babies’ story, and our simple words, will bring encouragement to you if unexpected circumstances come your way. Until then, much peace to you..)